The day after the diagnosis

Saturday 25th august.

Yesterday Marc and I both took the day off work. We took Isabella to the sea life centre in Loch Lomond. It was what we needed it was a distraction for a few hours. As soon as I was back in the car it’s all I could then think about. I feel empty. We have all these decisions which we need to make. Marc is going to the pub so I had planned to see louisa (my best friend). I didn’t fancy sitting in myself. I was not looking forward to seeing her at all!! I just couldn’t switch my mind off from thinking about everything so seeing louisa was good. It was tearful as expected but after explaining everything we then just had our usual chat. I then went to the pub to see if Marc was ready to go home but he was wanting to stay longer which was totally fine with me. As I was leaving I said hi to Sandy’s (one of Marc’s oldest friends) parents. And his mum was like aww that’s great news (about the pregnancy as sandy knew so must have told his parents) I couldn’t just pretend everything was normal so I told them. Also knowing Martin was a doctor and jess was a nurse I thought they might have been able to give a tiny bit more info. Or just even speaking to someone within that profession was almost reassuring. Her advice was to take it in baby steps. Don’t think of further down the road take each day as it is, which is true. She even said aw I was looking at you and marc and thinking how happy yous looked. Haha we put on a good front. I told her that was pretend haha I can’t believe she said that.

So driving home I was thinking about what test to take. I started favouring the first test. I know there is a higher risk of miscarriage but I can’t go on like this for another 3 weeks. I’m constantly thinking about it constantly teary and I just feel empty. I also feel like I’m not giving Isabella as much attention as I should be. Also should I still be trying to bond with my bump or will it just be harder?? Marc got home about an hour or so later and we got talking. He was agreeing with me about the first test. We still have some questions on Monday which might change our minds but for just now we are decided on the first test. It’s also down to the doctors success rates. So that is one of the questions we need to ask.

I woke up today and it was the first thing on my mind. I feel like a slight weight has been lifted as we have made one tiny decision in this huge complex situation. Marc is working tomorrow so I think I might message my manager and say to her I will be in tomorrow too. I think I just need to keep busy. I would rather listen to the customers complain about something so insignificant than think of my little bubba and the possible events that could happen in the near future.

I also meant to say that on Thursday we asked the doctor what the chances of this happening are and she said about 1 or 2 in 1000. The figures could be higher but the woman has a miscarriage before 12 weeks scan so they can’t determine the cause. She said she sees it every couple of months. Also she said it is just one of these things that happen. 1 or 2 in 1000 and it has happened to us jeezo!

I wasn’t sure what to wear yesterday. do I show my bump or hide it. But I feel if I hide it I am ashamed of it which I definitely am not. But then will someone ask me are you pregnant when you due? What would I say yes but it’s complicated?? On that note on Thursday I wasn’t given a due date I don’t know if they didn’t on purpose. But it doesn’t take a genius to work it out. 1st March 2019 is my baby’s due date ❤️

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